Left is the New Right (and Other Official Statements)

What exactly qualifies an entity or an individual to make a public or official statement? I suppose you have to be a PhD or a nation or be elected by a group of people or something, but I think more common people should make official statements. It's not like we don't have statements to make, and it's not like those who make statements are all that much more qualified than the rest of us. While we clearly live in a reasonably opinionated world, few people take the time to write their opinions down and distribute them in one form or another for the world to see as official statements. We should definitely do more of that.

Oh that vein, I'd like to release a few official statements of my own. Please enjoy.

OFFICIAL STATEMENT #1

The Chris Show has officially stated today that the two cobs of corn that Chris Giovarelli, Chris Show president, prime minister and only contributor, ate for dinner were excellent. The Chris Show believes more people should buy sweet corn and eat it.

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OFFICIAL STATEMENT #2

I would like to officially proclaim and state that the left is the new right. No, where not talking politics, we're talking driving. Due to popular demand and the overwhelming participation by the Oregonians all around me, the right lane is now the passing lane, and the left is the slow lane. When you pull into traffic, it is your immediate job to get into the left lane and then go below the speed limit. This is simply how it must be. Ideally, when pulling into traffic, just go straight into the left lane (especially if cars are coming up quickly in said lane) and pretend like you are going to punch it, but then don't. When driving in the left lane down a road with two lanes going in the same direction, it is especially appropriate to match the speed of a car to your right and then together, drop to five or six below the speed limit. This shows great prudence and impenetrability to those behind you. Let it be known from this statement, they will be grateful you have force fed them the roses they didn't want to stop and smell by their own fruition. Equally important, is that if you have been driving down a road in the right lane for a while (silly you), it is not only appropriate, but now expected, that you will randomly, with the jerk of the wheel, move into the left lane, even if that means cutting of cars there. Please understand, this is for the betterment of society. Those who can stand driving fast enough to actually pass you can just as easily scoot on over to the right lane to get around you, it's the least they can do for the nerve of driving the speed limit!

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OFFICIAL STATEMENT #3:

Chris Giovarelli will be releasing official statements throughout the next several days. Check back here for updates if you are interested in learning more.

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