07 April 2008

An Open Letter to Mother Nature

Dear Mother Nature,

What's with the Dissociative Identity Disorder flare up recently? One minute it's sunny and the flowers are blooming, the next, it's pounding snow and wind and the flowers are dead. I know you've been doing this for a long time (incidentally, maybe it's time to consider retirement), but could you maybe work a little on your consistency?

Last time I checked, the East coast is already in the middle of spring and so is the United Counties of California--did you forget the Mountain West? D
id the Utah lobbyists not treat you so well this year? No big dinners or shows? It's not our fault that most of the good restaurants are on the coasts and that there are few Broadway shows to choose from.

Sure we are number six of 50 states on the top of the TRI Index (Toxic Release Inventory), but Alaska beats us by almost 375 millio
n pounds of toxins, and they like snow. Couldn't you send it to them? I realize that maybe you are just trying to point out to all the environmentalists that while glaciers are melting in Antarctica we've had a record breaking winter of snow in Utah, but couldn't you prove that pesky "global warming" theory wrong somewhere else? The thing is, I am graduating in two short weeks, and frankly Provo isn't looking too hot right now for the festivities. I mean when the mountains aren't snow covered, they are brown and dead looking. The plum trees on my street haven't even begun to bud, and frankly I think perhaps their buds have frozen right off and they are going to go straight to leaves.

In order to rectify this situation (which I am sure you want to do), I've decided to do a search, and humbly submit another location where I think your inconsistent weather phenomenons might be nice. The way I see it, Provo has about 100,000 people, living in a valley, by a lake. I just need to find the same thing and you could just switch the weather, right?

[pause for Google search]

Ah ha! The city of Spring Valley, California, population 100,000. Just outside of San Diego. They've got mountains and even a lake! The name says it all Mother Nature, they are begging for snow! They have to deal with spring all year long. That must get old. Currently it is 60 degrees Fahrenheit and mostly sunny there, let's just switch that with our 41 degrees, clouds and snow flurries mixed with rain. The city is at 32 degrees North latitude and 117 degrees West longitude. I can't wait for the spring weather to come!

And by the way, not that I am one for threats, but if I don't get my spring weather soon, I have about twenty bottles of hair spray and I know how to use them. There's plenty more where that came from (really, it's on sale at Smith's). I don't want to, but I am ready to release all sorts of greenhouse gases into the air if I don't get my way. So Mother Nature, I think it is in both of our best interests if we get some sun and flowers here in Provo, don't you?

Respectfully submitted,

Provo, Utah

P.S. I have your sickly son, Jack Frost, and I just might be crazy enough to use my roommate's hair dryer on him.

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