Totidem Verbis

I realize by posting this entry I risk a major case of the pot calling the kettle black (or however that saying goes), but I feel this subject needs to be broached. I speak of our ostentatious dispositions to utilize pedantic and neological morphemes whence non-convoluted locutions suffice (ha!). In other words: speak and write simply.

I do reiterate, mia culpa, on this one, but for what it's worth, I suppose my real gripe is not the use of more diverse word choices so much as the motive behind them. I've read enough peoples' papers and reports to tell when someone is just fluffing their paper with complex lexicons simply to sound brilliant (which inevitably it doesn't). This plague isn't just limited to the average college student who wants to dazzle their professors, it's frankly the whole of the academic community. Have you actually ever read many academic papers? They're terribly written with the most jargon-filled mazes you could imagine.

One of the worst tendencies is the random use of Latin phrases. The language is dead folks, let it go. You know how in some languages they have one word to describe a very complex concept? Latin isn't one of those languages. It would be one thing if we were actually cutting down time and energy, but we're not. I caught myself today almost saying modus operandi. I stepped out of the room where I was, slapped myself, and then walked back in and continued my conversation.

Let's look at some common Latin phrases and think about the benefit of their use by timing the difference in saying each in Latin and then in English:

Tempus fugit (.95 seconds) = Time flies (.93 seconds)
Semper paratus (1.35 seconds) = Always prepared (1.34 seconds)
Quid pro quo (1.34 seconds) = Tit for tat (1.12 seconds)
Ergo (1.06 seconds) = Therefore (.88 seconds)

And the list could go on ad nauseum. The benefit of using the Latin? Well you sound smarter, but you might end up a persona non grata because you also sound arrogant. Not to mention, on average your will be speaking .11 seconds longer per Latin phrase. Multiply that by some made-up number that is meant to represent how many time you'd use those phrases in a day and then multiply that by 365 and then multiply that by an average adult life, divide by 60 and then 60 again and we're talking over two days of extra talking because of your flair for Latin. Absit invidia, but I wouldn't want to lose so much time when I could be sleeping, eating, or even listening to others.

In all honesty, I have a bona fide interest in the fun complexities of our language (or in this case another language), I just think we should go simple when we can and when personal entertainment allows it. And for what it's worth, I hope you take this cum grano salis.

American Psychos

I got rid of my dog.

Yes, to the credit of a number of pessimistic, gloomy, antagonistic, naysayers in my life (yes, you told me so), I decided my undeniable urge for independence was being stifled by a cute little hairy thing with a curly tail (I mean I had to feed and walk him at least twice a day).

For those who are genuinely concerned about my dog's 20, Parker found a great home with a young couple who have a Husky named Hunter. After Hunter savagely attacked Parker for coming in on his turf, they actually became great friends and played for 90 minutes while I imagined my life without the adorable hair ball.

Let me be clear, I love my (well, their) dog. He was a wonderful pet and taught me some great lessons about tenacity, Houdinism, and anger channeling. When he wasn't destroying my wood molding, flip-flops, area rugs, computer cords, books, magazines, table legs, couch, papers, dryer sheets, socks [insert breath], pillows, doggie gate, toilet paper, belts, carpet, dress shoes and blankets, he was a heck of a good time. He was adorable like no other dog I've ever seen, and had the uncanny ability to piss me off like I thought no living being other than my sister when she was six and cut up my Smurf shirt to make a super hero costume could ever do.

Now that he is gone, I've realized that I was missing the down time, and while I can't wait to have a family of my own, that will be the end of down time, like forever. One day it won't be a puppy destroying things, it will be a little man or lady spawned from my own genetics, pushing my buttons like only a blood relative can do. Not only will they have teeth and claws, but opposable thumbs and brains more devilish than any dog.

The other day I was driving by the dog park we used to frequent, and I glanced over to see if any of our doggy "friends" and their "parents" were there. As I turned back from my strained gaze and swerved back from on-coming traffic, I didn't see any dog I recognized. Continuing on my way, I had to laugh at the enjoyable six months I spent with Parker the puppy.

Since Parker is no longer a part of my life, I thought I would take this time to reflect on the crazy Oregonian dog-owner world that almost took me (We are legion?). The following are a few memorable crazies encircling my life as a Single Puppy Parent at the dog park:

Lady 1: [in a frantic tone] "Does anyone know where her mommy or daddy is? Where are her parents!?"
Me: [Internal monologue] Holy crap! There's a kid here in the dog park whose parent's abandoned him or her. I better help! [I look up and realize she's talking about a dog] Lame.

Lady 2: [Talking to my dog] "Well hi there, aren't you cute! These are my kids, Bernard and Willie. They are really friendly and love to play! Do you want to play with them?" [My dog, not understanding a lick of English, walks away]. "Well guys, I guess you'll have to find another friend to play with."

Lady 3: (yes, by the way these were all ladies) "I just bring Princess (the foofy little dog sitting on her lap that didn't look entirely unlike its owner) here so she can feel a part of things (Princess didn't give a hoot). She doesn't like to play with other dogs, well, not since a little run-in she had with a mean old Bichon when she was a puppy (mind you the dog looked ancient, so the fight had to have been at least a decade ago.)."

And since making fun of other people isn't fair without a little for myself:

Me: "Parker, are you hungry? Parker, are you hun-gry? Are you? [blank stare from dog] Yes you are, you're hun-gry!"

Me: [absolutely about to blow a gasket] "Did you chew up the rug!? [blank stare from dog] Look at this! Did you do this! Did you? [feeling persistent, after no answer at all] Did you chew up this rug!? You're going into time-out!" (yes, I did have a time-out for my dog)

In the end, pets are great. They allow those of us who live alone to talk out loud without feeling too crazy and they serve as an explanation for spooky sounds in the night for those who get scared sometimes (not me, of course). They drive us to the edge of homicidal acts, but then make everything better after a few licks and some snuggling. Sometimes, groups of unsocialized dog "parents" get together to socialize their dog "children" at parks. The awkward, eccentric outcome is to be expected, I guess I'm just okay with not being a part of that scene anymore. I've got a ton of photos, some great chew marks on items around my house and a bunch of fun stories. Gosh, owning a dog was great!

Here's to you Parker!

Emphasis on the "Unquote"

Back in the day (like three or four years ago), I used to get a little ruffled when people would talk about so called "quotes" from famous people.

"There is this quote I love," they'd begin, with a twinkle in there eyes, as mine would contort to match the grimace forming on my face. The reason for my miff was the improper usage of the word "quote" which would have been more properly represented as a "quotation."

Oh the simpler days.

Little did I know that while I was fighting a crusade against people who were hacking the ends off words, a far deeper crime was happening. The travesty of which I am speaking is not the use of the word "quotation," but the very foundational and blatant overuse of "quotation marks" (for instance, that instance was unnecessary) themselves.

Driving around on any given day, you can see them in use in a variety of signs and posters. I've come to the jaded conclusion that why they are in use on many of these signs and posters, is just as much a mystery to their authors as it is to me. One recent example is at a sushi restaurant I frequent. The sign, advertising their lunch deals states that the deals are available "Mon. to Sun." Who they are actually quoting, I'm not sure. Worse even may be the "finger quotations" that fly around at any given gathering of human beings.

"I don't know, I guess people just think they need to use them somewhere, so they just stick them in where it feels good," said Francine Ramsey, president of the International Quotation Regulation Council (IQRC), in an interview I conducted for this post.

In 1964, Ramsey, along with two Russian physicists invented the double quotation mark commonly used today. The breakthrough, which was a bit of a loss for the Russians, whose alphabet does not use quotations, was a self-proclaimed "perfectly balanced syntactical equation cap." Since their discovery, more than four decades ago, Ramsey has lead the way in promulgating the use of the "useful" marks. Admitting that sometimes quotations are overused, Ramsey compared the marks to other, less fortunate punctuation.

"At least it's not like semicolons," Ramsey explained. "I mean, Bill Stewart over at the National Assembly for the Increased Use of Semicolons can't get people to touch those with a ten foot pole; it's pretty sad!"

According to Ramsey, recent talks with the trendy computer maker Apple, have centered around removing semicolons completely from keyboards. In fact, quotations are so far on the opposite spectrum in modern script, that according to a 2008 IQRC study, conducted in conjunction with the FDA, as many as 65 million Americans may suffer from a sort of "compulsive quotation disorder."

During our interview, Ramsey explained that from the IQRC's perspective, overuse wasn't necessarily such a bad thing. In tough economic times, the high use of homemade signs, which inherently contain more improper usage of quotation marks, keeps the royalties coming in.

"It's not like Xerox, we're not going to lose our trademark," she said. "I'm just glad we aren't facing extinction like some punctuation," she laughed gazing out her office window toward a neighboring office building sign that read: "Space Available "Built to Suit." "

"I'm making $500 a month for each of those giant marks," she said smugly, "and that office was where The AND* was based before they had to close down when the Millennials decided the symbol looked too "loopy."

My time with Francine Ramsey made me decided on the need for a little education. So, to you 65 million Americans who may be afflicted with a compulsive use (or misuse, as it were) of quotations marks, this part's for you:

According to my research, which consisted of a 0.29 second Google search entitled "usage of quotation marks," and the content from the uncontested source for all worthy information, Wikipedia, there are five cases in which quotations should be used:

1. In direct quotations (duh).
2. When citing irony (e.g. His "superior humor" escaped me.)
3. Indicating unusual usage (e.g. She said she was taught "real good.")
4. Titles of artistic work (uh huh)
5. Nick names (e.g. Jesse "The Body" Ventura)

The biggest problem people run into (and the source of 80 percent of Ramsey's loyalties) is an attempt to emphasize a word using quotation marks, rather than the appropriate italics. Wikipedia notes that this can lead to a misinterpretation that the author is intending irony or an unusual meaning rather than their intended emphasis. "Real" leather therefore begs the question as to the definition of real, just as ""Silence" please" causes us to question the librarian's definition of silence ("I can't even breathe?").

While I run the risk of posting this and being forever "judged" for my quotation use, I believe the post is important, and somewhat overdue. This post alone cost nearly $200 in loyalties to the IQRC, think how much businesses across the country are blowing on the misuse of this "valuable" punctuation mark.

At least I'm not worried about cutting off words anymo'


*The Ampersand's National Delegation, a now bankrupt 501(c)(3) non-profit designed to expand the use of the ampersand (&) in day-to-day writing.

IQ Drops with Groups of 435

Well, it's official. Government has yet again proven that a group's intelligence quotient drops substantially when said group is numbered at either 100 or 435, is housed in a large, white, domed building, and has its own staff large enough to invade a small country.

According to the NY Times, as of today, the Cash for Clunkers program, so brilliantly designed by Government to pay people for getting rid of perfectly good gas-guzzlers has gone broke. Yes, less than one month since enacted into law, and a mere four days after becoming effective, the program has apparently used up all of its funding.

Now here's the thing. It's not that saving the environment isn't important, and it isn't like Government doesn't have an extra 1 billion bucks (which was the program's funding) to throw around to save the environment at a time when countries like California are shutting down for lack of funds. It just seems silly that anyone would conceive of such a foolish program. I had to find out more.

I decided to call Barry Schmitzer, director of the newly formed government agency over the program, to ask some questions. It was hard to find his phone number, considering his office first opened on Monday and was closing up for good this evening. I finally found him by searching the DC Craigslist under Rental Office Space. He had listed his name as Sarry Bchmitzer, but I managed to see through his clever pseudonym. When I did finally get a hold of Barry, he only had a few minutes to talk before they disconnected his phone line.

Me: "Thanks for talking with me Barry."

Barry: "Well, it's better than talking with all those people who aren't going to get their rebate, but if the phone beeps, I have to see if it's someone calling for the Craigslist ad."

Me: "I completely understand."

*Beep*

Barry: "Hang on."

*Click*

Barry: "Sorry, wrong number. ...Where were we?"

Me: "So you're telling me before the program went broke earlier today, if I had bought a 1984 Chevy Blazer for $800 (which is an actual Portland Craigslist entry from today that I accessed while looking for Barry's contact info) a year ago, left it in my garage while I continued to drive my real car, I could have traded it in (before the program went broke today) for $4500 toward a new car?"

Barry: "Yes."

Me: "But, isn't it kind of sad that the program is already broke?"

Barry: "Are you kidding? I got paid upfront from bailout money for a two year job that lasted four days... Oh wait... please don't quote me on that."

Me: "Sorry, I'm blogging live here."

Barry: "Crap."

Me: "So, is Government looking to spread this program into other sectors?"

Barry: "Absolutely, you'd be surprised how many Americans have old dishwashers or microwaves, or laptops that aren't Macs. My newest idea is to-"

*Click*

That was when the phone line was cut off. I hope Sarry was able to lease his office space.

Well folks, that's it. I just wanted you to know what if you were planning on buying a clunker, you're probably going to be out of luck... At least for now.

If you really want to make a change though, considering buying a clunker anyway. Get some of your friends to also. If we get enough people to jump on the band wagon, drive them around as much as possible and ultimately widen the hole in the ozone layer, perhaps Government will initiate it again.

Maybe in desperation they will even increase the credit. What's $4500 on an $800 clunker when we could go for say $10000 on anything with wheels? For now, stay away from large groups of 100 to 435, I hear they hurt logic and reasoning.